Give yourself permission

These 3 words mean a lot to me. They have touched me right in my heart. They left me speechless and wiser.

These 3 words stem from my Reiki healer whilst spending my last weeks of my Latin America journey in Mexico. What I am writing here is obviously very personal, however, I feel the urge to share my experiences & feelings with you, as I’m sure, many of you will resonate with them. And I’d be more than happy to know that I’ve given you at least one Aha-moment.

When I arrived in Tulum for my yoga retreat back in October 2016, one of the yoga teachers recommended a massage therapist with spiritual background. Only this description fully hooked me and I booked a session right away. In my 1st session, I honestly expected a full body massage with a bit of therapeutic and spiritual inspiration, however it turned out completely different and better than anything I would have expected.

Without talking to the Reiki healer about my current life situation, my emotional pain and my lack of orientation, he immediately sensed my pains and restrictions, just by moving his hands over my body without touching me. Only by feeling my energetic blockades in my body. He stopped in my chest and heart area a few times as well as on my hips. I’ve been experiencing severe hip tightness before my trip and I was hoping that this guy could help me.

And whilst we all hope that physical pain comes exactly from that same area, we all know, that we must dig a bit deeper in order to understand the real origin of physical pain. In my case, my hip tightness was caused by emotional pain. Heart pain. Pain that I had not released yet, but instead had put it into my hips over months. The Reiki healer explained that we often tend to store all emotional pain, especially heartache, in our hips. And when he said that I could feel his words right in my heart. I had goose bumps everywhere. I felt really hot and sweaty, as the energy started to flow again after a long period of time. And of course, it made sense after a broken 10-year relationship and another break up in Latin America that my energy didn’t flow freely anymore. I think it’s fair to say that this is quite a lot to digest. Don’t get me wrong now, I don’t ask for your sympathy.

This post is more about allowing ourselves to feel the pain we are feeling, whenever we do feel pain. We mustn’t hide it in order to be strong. No. We are allowed to be weak as well. It is okay to feel sad, emotional, hurt and lost. I realised in this moment that I had kept myself together for so long, as I felt like I had to perform and that with the feelings of pain I couldn’t do so. So, I basically became pain resistent to be able to manage my life, which had to continue. I had to manage my work and finances, I had to manage a move, I had to keep myself busy at least for a certain period of time. In a way there wasn’t enough time to take care of myself. Or in other words, I didn’t allow myself to take care of myself.

As the session with the Reiki healer continued that day, there was another big emotional moment for me. He said that I could feel that I am different and that I have a strong connection to something superior than me, but that I wasn’t allowing myself to be different, because of fear. Fear for rejection, fear for the reaction of others. Fear to stand out, fear to outgrow other people in my life. Fear to be the best version of myself.

He urged me to come back from my head into my heart and to give myself permission to trust my intuition and feelings again. A door I had left closed for some time.

Give yourself permission to be the best version of yourself.

This moment felt like game-over and reset at the same time. I felt caught and relieved.

That day (24/10/2016) was my breakthrough. I knew this was only the beginning of something wonderful. What started as a journey through Latin America turned into a journey to myself. And I’m so grateful it did.

Yours, Nina

 

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My breakthrough

My breakthrough is what I call the beginning of the journey to myself.

I look at pictures taken in Cozumel, Mexico, and I see pure happiness, in my eyes, in my smile, in the glow in my face.

This happened when I finally allowed me to go on an inner journey to myself. Allowing me to explore who I am, reflecting whether I’m happy with who I am, finding out what I stand for, what my values are. It’s difficult to describe the feeling of this permission, but I felt relieved. I felt light. It felt like the wings that were glued to my body (probably by myself?) for many years were finally starting to open, because I permitted me to open them. Slowly, but surely.

I realised that I’ve always had big wings, but that I had neglected or forgotten them for a very long time. So, when I could feel my wings again, I was able to open them, to use them and to finally start creating a life that should feel as free as a bird.

Which brings me back to my answer (always!) upon the question:

If you were an animal, what would you like to be?

My breakthrough was not one single moment, it was a process. However, I recognised that specific moment of happiness in Cozumel as my breakthrough moment. And I will never ever forget it.

If you are at a turning point in your life, please trust yourself and life. Trust that things will happen for you at the right time and remember that life is always working for you, not against you.

Yours, Nina

 

 

My inner journey

If you are curious to find out how I got to my breakthrough then you will like this article.

I remember the day approximately one month after the break up. I had reached a very low point, when I arrived at the airport in Buenos Aires, destination Cancún. There was a massive queue at the check-in desks, people were complaining about the wait and when it was finally my turn for check-in, the guy at the desk told me that he couldn’t check me in to Mexico, unless I could prove flying out from Mexico again. And yes, I had a return flight back to London, however, I hadn’t printed it out. So, I started looking up the ticket on my iPhone to realise the Wifi wasn’t working and I didn’t have any more data left. I got very nervous, since the flight was due to leave one hour later and I hadn’t even passed security yet. I started sweating, I was really hot, nothing worked. With the best intentions to remain calm, I could finally convince a shop to log me onto their internet connection and there it was, my booking confirmation, to prove that I would be leaving Mexico on 9th of November. I rushed back to the check-in desk. The guy told me that I didn’t have to queue again, so I went straight up to him. When I was just about to show him my flight ticket, someone pinched my shoulder from behind and shouted at me that I should go at the end of the line.

After everything that happened, this was simply too much, but I managed to reply that I wasn’t jumping queues, but that I had been asked to come forward and that he should please understand. He didn’t, but at least I was able to rush to security. Yes, I was working hard on my resilience in that situation.

5 minutes later, the crazy guy also appeared in the security queue and complained about my behaviour again. At the same time, I was on Whats App with a close friend to message about the break-up, my feelings and next steps.

And there it was, my breakdown. Too long had I kept my tears from falling, too long had I kept my emotions to come out, that I simply couldn’t control them anymore. I cried and cried, I had trouble breathing, I had to sit down in the middle of the queue. I felt out of control. My life felt out of control. Until I boarded the plane, sat down in my seat and closed my eyes. I suddenly felt relieved and light. Because I had finally given myself permission to feel my pain, sadness and anger.

And when the plane took off, I literally felt like taking off to a new life. And life proved me right. Life had better plans for me.

The message from my heart to yours:

Trust yourself and life.

Yours, Nina